So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
