The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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