My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
