The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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