I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
