He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
