I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
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i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
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He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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