college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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