shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Randomize
