She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
