im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Sober January is a disaster.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
