I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
