I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
