My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
