"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
