I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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