the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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