Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
