So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
