Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
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That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
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I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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