I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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