i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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