i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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