omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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