Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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