dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
