while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
