I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
