I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
