I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
