Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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