Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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