Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
