I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Sorry about my life...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
