And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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