Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
