he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...