I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
