Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
