Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
