Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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