guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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