I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
love makes seman taste better
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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