I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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