College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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