i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
