I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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