i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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