I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
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If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
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Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize