do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
