So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
