The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
