i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
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is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
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do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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